shoulder pa...

shoulder pain. sucks real bad.last night, after i got back to chicago from my grandma's funeral, i came back to my apartment to find my fat roommate being a big fat pain in the ass. she knows that things are rough right now since i just lost my grandma, yet she starts giving me tons of shit. i finally said it. i finally did! so many of my friends would be so proud of me. i finally asked her why she never paid august's rent.i told her how much trust i lost in her from that experience. well, that shut her off. she got real weird. she kept bitching at me. so i said we could just have a silent relationship in the apartment, one where we don't talk to each other. i asked her if this would be a good idea and i told her i didn't care either way, because i really don't care anyway. she said that is unnecessary, that we should not ignore one another. then i said why don't we just move out and break the lease and go our separate ways? she agreed that sounded like a good idea. that's fine with me, i cannot stand the fat smelly pig.well, talked to my mom and she said no fucking way. she said no fucking way can i move out in the middle of a lease and ruin her credit. my mom co-signed with me, so it would be bad if i flaked out on the lease. so i am going to have my roommate move out, i guess, and have her pay me for at least the next month or so, and then try to make ends meet. all i know is, i want her out of here, and i want her out soon. one of my best friends said she can move in until june, and my lease is up in july, so that will help with rent.ugh. get her away from me.

Experimental chatter

Go to party. Flirt. Look away when I see my shiny, gross face in toaster reflected. Look down at kitchen tiles. brown and green, glossy. ugh. see no one cool. dab my face so it appears more matted. cute boy. cute girl. ask what time it is. but cute boy is with cute girl. somone asks why i never say anything first. i say i dont know. i walk away. i leave. bagel shop open till 5 am. never heard of that. eat a plain one, lightly toasted. butter. orange juice. manat register keeps trying to give me the old eye. i shake my head furiously and leave. itch my left arm. my lipstick is pink, ice pink. too light. i want a new look. boy on street whistles. i dont care. i go home, forget to wash makeup off my face, sleep for 3 hours, dreaming of something, i dont remember. i wake up, shower a little, but dont feel like washing my hair which smells like pot. throw on a new hoodie and ripped jeans. leave my phone at home. dont check missed calls. dont care. i hate ugly people on busses. they make my breakfast come up. i avoid the bus today, but i take the train. smells like urine from a gross girl. bitches. get to downtown. leave before i get there. no money to get back home. visit a friend at work and mooch off a five. take train home and with extra change, buy a hot chocolate. drink two sips, it tastes like fat, throw the rest away. get to friend's apartment, talk to him, he sucks at talking. finally go home, and check missed calls but dont care. still.

Fuck

Well, my grandma died yesterday. It was coming, we just never knew when and if she had more years yet to live or not. She had emphysema, colitis, and diabetes plus a heart murmur. It was my dad's mom, so I feel most sorry for him and his sisters. She was 77. It was the emphysema that really did it. Fuck cigarettes, I fucking hate them, and if I ever meet anyone who manufactures them or has ANY relation to advertising them whatsoever, I will find them and slaughter their eyes out of their face and feed them their own dicks. I am fucking serious too. This is no joke.The funeral is tomorrow, I am going to really have a hard time watching them put her coffin underground, I am really fucking pissed and sad all at the same time. She was my last grandma and I really loved her. I know it was her choice to smoke most of her life away, but at the time she started smoking, it was not as well known how dangerous cigarettes were. It was long ago, and when she quit smoking a few years ago, it was already too late, she got emphysema. She was an addict, she was once very abusive of alcohol a long time ago, she had it real rough. But after she quit alcohol, the smoking still never concluded itself.Well cigarette creators, wherever you are, go fuck yourselves and I hope you pay the price of breaking tons and tons of people's hearts every fucking year. I hope you rot and get fucked up real bad. Pay back is a bitch. And pay back, you will.

mmmm

I need to shower and do my hair, which takes way too long....I really want to ask someone this one question but I won't.... I just won't.I am taking a break from selfish people, those who are selfish who surround me these days.I want to get away from Chicago. I am sick of the midwest! Fuck!

Weight Loss.... Stay with me

Last night one of my coworkers hugged me and said she was so happy to see me. That was nice.

Saturday Blues

last night i went to a play. one of my best friends was in it. it was cool. she can act, that girl is really something. lucky her. i am such a lazy ass.then today i shot a bunch of photos of another friend. but he irritated me. on top of doing everyone's photo homework for them it seems lately (which i don't mind because i love photography), he had the nerve to lecture me about how i talk to servers at restaurants. if anything, because i work in a fucking restaurant, i am super nice to servers. but he said i am aloof and too picky. my friend is an ass, i had to pay for his fucking food. the least he can do is thank me for doing all his homework and take a hike.then i went out with my other friend to her stores. i got nothing. then i smoked the gangi with a coworker friend. i want to go to this party with my work friends, but i am so tired and out of it. no more pot.

I have ...

I have been wearing less eye make up....Last night I went out with some friends. We went to my favorite club, Neo, and I have noticed my tolerance is getting higher and higher with alcohol, and that scares me so....And there was this guy who follows me around EVERY time I go there. Well he harassed me yet again last night, and I really think it would be fitting if he found himself a new shtick in order to pick up women. His gimmick sucks, and he gives me the same lines every time he sees me there. "Oh you look like Carolyn Bassette, JFK junior's wife." She's dead, but I think he meant I looked like her if she were alive.... Then my friends were worried about me wanting to run, I guess they could tell this guy was really shooting the shit at me, he just would not stop allowing bull shit to flow from his mouth, so they tried to come by and save me by involving themselves in the conversation. Then one of them ran over to talk to my other friend, but instead of running TO US, she ran INTO our TABLE. She was having her birthday at Neo, and needless to say, we were all rather drunk. Well, thank God for her landing upon our table, because Mr. Creepy's drink (which was still 95% full of what probably consisted of mickies and rape attempts) flew across the room as a result of it-- and my ass almost got lit on fire from the candle that fell into my lap. The guy was pissed, kept repeating "That was 10 dollars! That was 10 dollars!" I apologized, said sorry, that it was her birthday and she was drunk, but he was relentless with bitching. That got him to finally leave me alone. I saw some really sexy boy, and told my friend he was a hottie. But she ran right up to him to tell him! I grabbed her, tried to make her stop, but it was too late. She said it. And I got really uncomfortable because I firmly believe in the man making the first move, ALWAYS. But when I turned around, the hottie was right behind me, smiling, waiting for me to talk to him. I said, "Hey, what did my friend tell you? Whatever it was, don't listen. She's nuts." He was like, "Ohhh, so you don't think I'm hot and you don't want to talk to me then? Your friend said to say hi to you." My friend, meanwhile, was saying, "Isn't she so cute?" She then whispered to me that he was quite drunk too. I finally admitted to the boy, "Yes, you are pretty hot, but you DON'T have to talk to me if you don't want to." He gave me this look as if to say, "You are so silly," and he said, "I want to talk to you." I said okay and then it just seemed weird to me because he was so heavily intoxicated and kept pausing to cover his mouth, like he was about to throw up. He was severely loaded, and I really didn't want vomit on top of candle wax (which was all over my jeans from the fallen table episode) all over me. It turns out he was just burping, as he apologized, "Sorry, I am burping." Needless to say, I was sick of this whole evening-- as well as completely grossed out-- so I decided to leave the club. I did not even say goodbye to the boy, he was too disgusting. Today when my friend (who told him I thought he was hot) called me, she told me he said I was hot too, she yelled at me and said that I should have stayed and talked to him some more. I told her I had no idea he thought I was hot and that she needs to give me better signals next time. But he was lame. So who cares?And I really don't care about men anyway....

I think you're cute....

I think someone is cute. I don't really know him so I do not want to say "I like him" because I am a realist and do not believe you can like someone if you do not know them. You can think one is cute though. But who the fuck knows? With my luck, he is probably a pig.I like oatmeal. Isn't that weird? No one else likes oatmeal....I got a fucked up compliment today. I was at work, hosting at the restaurant. I was seating two women, and the older one (I suppose it was the mom), looked at me as she was about to sit, and said out of nowhere, "You are very pretty. Has anyone ever told you that you look like one of the sisters?" I was like, "What sisters?" Her daughter (if it was her daughter) said, "Oh you don't look like the sisters. Ignore her." But the mom said, "You do though, you look like the Hilton sisters." The daughter said I had more character in my face than them, but the mom was insistent. She kept repeating how beautiful she thought I was too. She was real loud. I was kind of embarrased. And I really don't want to look like Paris Hilton. I really don't want to have the bimbo look, and I have been real paranoid about that lately, having a bimbo look. I act nothing like a bimbo, so at least my sarcastic attitude saves me there. Plus I respect myself too much to be a bimbo. I told some people I work with about my Paris Hilion compliment, and they said that looking like her is okay, and they added that I don't have to worry since I act nothing like her. Maybe I should wear less eye make up. Maybe that's the problem.

He he he

Ha ha ha! I made a mistake! I did I did I did! My roommate is not the most preferable person to have around. She farts in her sleep, moans afterwards, and she rips me off for rent (well, only once but once it far too obnoxious to rip off a month's rent). Well, she is is also a .... faker. She is one of those people who pretends to be neat. She lectures me about eyeliner pieces in the sink, foundation remnants in the sink, yet has she ever taken the trash out? Absolutely not. Well, I am one of those people who is too passive. I get annoyed, but never say anything because I don't want to offend. Anyway, each time I leave town, I take the most current garbage collection out, then I always remind her to take the trash out if there is new trash for the rest of my time out of town. Because if she leaves the trash around in a city like this, I know from experience having lived in cities most of my life that roaches and mice will visit. Well, needless to say, this past time that I went out of town, she did not take the trash out. The whole apartment smelled like a giant fart when I walked in because "her" trash was everywhere. (Guess what I mean by "her" trash, I refuse to be gross about it). Well, since I cannot confront her because she is a freak about escaping her state of denial, I have to vent on live journal. Lovely bull shit.Well, here is the punchline (sorry it took so long, just annoyed). Last night I came home from work, and was on the phone with my friend Amy. When I walked in, it was dark and only 9:30 pm, so I figured my roommate was out. I was excited to watch some t.v. before I met up with some work friends at a bar. Lately, however, my roommate has been going to bed at early evening hours, hours only grandma's who wet their pants sleep at. But not 9:30 pm! So as soon as my olfactory nose senses kicked in, which was right away since the apartment still smelled like an old ass, I started to say real loudly, "Shit, the fucking apartment smells like shit! Because people don't know how to take fucking care of it!" But then I looked at the couch, and there she was, sleeping. I was so embarrased that I started to say, "Well I don't know how to take care of it either...." But I went out last night. I danced a lot, it was great. But some annoying guy had to grab my arm and give me the old line. He was like,"Why do beautiful straight women always hang out at gay bars?" I was like "I dunno." He goes, "Beautiful women like you always do that." I just shrugged and tried to leave the conversation. Here's the million dollar question: why do men use the same lines over and over again and expect everyone to buy into them? Do women really sell themselves that short that they so often buy into these overrated lines, leaving men convinced that still-- to this day-- any little bit of attention will do? Come on ladies. You owe yourself more than that. Save a straw for yourself.

a wild child

I was a wild child tonight. I drank and danced the night away. My Valentine was my dancing. I love dancing....... until annoying people try to coerce me into dancing with them. Get off you fools! They are like nasty dogs in heat! Away, get away you bad boys! I'ma dancing with myself! Oh oh oh oh!

My Eye Hurts

My eyeliner sucks. It hurts my eyes.I need to meet some cool people on LJ. Some cool photographers to motivate me! I am a lazy son of a bitch!But I decided to take a class soon. Even though I am graduated, I need to feel like an artist again. (I feel more like a loser lately.) A loser who works in a restaurant, then goes out with friends (I love my peoples though), then goes back to work at a restaurant. That is no artist! That is a lazy son of a bitch!Yesterday, as usual, I hung out with a friend from Cleveland instead of doing some art. But it is okay since she is my best friend? I hope so..... we ate dinner, steak (yum!). Then we ate ice cream and looked at books. It's cool because every time I see her, we eat something very fattening together. But everyone says I need some fat. But actually I want to lose 6 pounds. I gained 6 because last month I had 3 sick weeks from that stupid upper respiratory infection, and I could not even leave my apartment for 5 days straight at one point, it was so bad. Gaining weight from being sick SUCKS. And I missed my friends, I could not see anyone I was so contagious. I go back home tomorrow. Well, Chicago is not home. But I go back tomorrow. Time to lose weight. And load some photos on here of my artwork. How do you do that, by the way?Hmmmmm.....

Up Early

Well, it might be noon, but that is early for me. I went to sleep at around 3 something am, and planned to wake up at around 1pm the next day. Nope. Now I am tired, but cannot sleep, as usual. My new restless state of mind. I need to meet some photographers on this live journal. I need some motivation to get me more determined to make money at photography. So photographers: where are you?I think I need to fix my hair this weekend. My hair is blond and very long. It is hard to take care of because it is so long. It is not long in an obnoxious way or anything; it goes to the middle of my back so it isn't THAT long. But the hair stylist messed it up last time, he highlighted it in a real shitty way, and now I have roots already, and my hair doesn't grow that fast. He barely touched the chemicals to my scalp. Great, for all the money I paid. Half a paycheck.I really want to go to a club this weekend, but I will be out of town, with family. I love my family, but I have been so cooped up lately due to having the flu, then a cold, then a fever, then a cold for 2 WHOLE WEEKS, then an upper respiratory infection, then another cold again. I just got better, and I want to go out. I was stuck in for weeks! But 2 weekends in between when I kinda felt better, I went out. One weekend I went to D.C. for the first time to visit an old friend. Actually it was my very first boyfriend. Bad idea. It was awkward because I haven't seen him in 4 years. I used to be more muscular and tomboy-like, now I am very thin and quite feminine. So he said he preferred my hair wavy, not straight, and he said I looked anorexic. He looked fat, but I was smart and had enough taste to think better of it and keep that observation to myself. Needless to say, we had NOTHING in common. In fact, I wondered the entire 48 hours that I was there why I ever dated him in the first place. I told myself I had all my days to answer this question, but I still, almost 4 weeks later, have no answer. Then the other weekend I went out, I went out with work friends. We went to different houses, different clubs, and many parties. I had a great weekend. I met a gorgeous boy too. But I am just not interested right now, my focus is gathering up enough money to move to NYC. NYC is my boyfriend for now. And my t.v.